Monday, May 21, 2007

Mood swings? What the **** do you mean?

I knew the hair loss thing would be hard but at first it was just a novelty.

'Look how much comes out' I'd say, as I lightly pulled yet another clump out for the benefit of onlookers.

(And I spent all of Friday at a wedding, and Saturday at friends' for a barbecue, so there were a fair amount of onlookers.)

It was my way of meeting it head on (is that an unintentionally bad pun?) and making light of it.

Only trouble was, I'm properly balding now. I can no longer hide it with the female equivalent of a combover (putting sunglasses on your head so they sweep the longer, still existent hair from the front, back over the bald patch).

So today is the first proper 'hat' day. Hence the photo. Which neatly showcases both the hat and my mood.

I was doing fine, acting the balding fool, and then yesterday I had a complete meltdown. I ran my hands over the pillow and the sheets collecting the hair and amassed a huge ball of the stuff. It was all a bit much for me. I then made the mistake of calling R at my lowest point to discuss bikes I might be buying with him and ended up crying down the phone at him. That was followed by my parents calling so they got caught in my own little tsunami of self pity as well.

I'd been feeling so well this week and so positive about having got through Chemo 1 that I haven't cried in a long time and it took me by surprise slightly.

I think tiredness has something to do with it. Feeling so good over the last week means I have met friends for lunch, friends for dinner, worked late on pitches and lived it up at weddings and barbecues. I've had a great time, and felt refreshingly normal, and don't regret a minute of it. But I think it might have been slightly foolish to cram in quite so much socialising into one week. It's lovely but draining.

Especially when at the end of it all it was time to come off the sleeping pills. I've been on half pill (0.5mg) doses for the last week and the sleeping has evened out. So come Friday it was time to kick the habit. Helped enormously by the fact I was staying over at a friend's house after the wedding and forgot to bring the tablets with me.

So, Friday night saw 4 hours sleep. Saturday night saw 5-6 hours followed by several hours lying in Sunday morning and dozing on and off to make up the difference. Last night saw about 5-6 hours. It would have been around 4 but when the alarm went off to get up for work at 7am I mutinied and reset it for 8.30am, turned over and went back to sleep.

Sleep deprivation is a horrible thing and I am pretty rubbish at dealing with it.

Chemo Two is tomorrow and I suddenly feel emotionally and physically ill-equipped for it. That wasn't part of the plan. Bugger.


Dr Jude said...

Love the hat. Hope you feel better today - we all need a good cry now and again, esp. on lack of sleep plus the physical and emotional journey you're going through. Do something to indulge yourself. Chin up and luck for chemo 2 (only 4 more after that - less than you can count on one hand).

Anne-Marie Weeden said...

Thanks hon. And I did. Played traunt with two colleagues went to the cinema over lunch time. Except the film was about 3 hours long. Naughty skiving little old me....

Hope the medium-sized cats are behaving themselves x