Thursday, June 28, 2007
I've avoid posting the last few days. Mainly because I've felt really moany, and I hate the feeling that every time I post something it's a complaint. A complaint against my health, a complaint about how unfair this all is, a complaint about my treatment, even complaints about the attention friends give me.
So sue me - I can't avoid moaning any longer.
Despite my breezy healthcheck post on Sunday (when I really was feeling okay and thought I was over my infection last week) this third treatment cycle has been a real struggle. I'm in the third week, when I should be fine and enjoying life relatively normally. I'm not. I feel like shit, I keep getting really painful aches in my bones, I am fighting a rising temperature (again) and I feel permanently tired and grumpy. It's not danger zone yet - but I've hit 37 degrees twice this morning which is much higher than normal for me.
I feel robbed of my 'good week' and I'm starting to worry that I will be going into chemo 4 at a disadvantage and that the whole thing will spiral into a tougher and tougher fight for my health.
I should be at home in bed. But I'm in the office, as we have a big meeting tomorrow. I may go home shortly (and I only came at at 10.15, giving myself the second self appointed lie in of the week - I'm getting good at those) but I hate this tussle between genuinely having to point out to colleagues that I'm not that well actually versus the feeling of burning matyrdom I get as soon as those sort of words come out of my mouth.
Moan, moan, moan. For the first real time in chemo, I'm feeling like it's sucking me down and preventing me from living a normal life. Taking a few days off every three weeks is fine. Feeling like you are wading through treacle FOR three weeks is not. It's really grinding.
And it's starting to take its toll on my psychological state. I no longer have the energy to be jolly for people who want to know 'how I'm doing'. I'm turning into a miserable cow. I almost bit a friend's head off last week for 'pestering me' when she deigned to be concerned about me because I hadn't returned a text. I feel bad but I cannot find the energy to call her and apologise. It's taking me all my energy just to drag my arse in and out of the office and do a semblance of work. I can't seem to find it in me to be nice on top of all of that.
I am, officially, a grumpy bitch.
at 1:33 pm