Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Clouds and silver linings

It's not that the nurses aren't nice. It's just that it reminds me of chemo, and the smells and associations with that building make me feel physically sick.

This, I worked out, is why I've been putting off going to the day care centre to get my current three days and counting high temparature checked out. They want me in to do blood tests and urine samples, to see if I have an infection, and indeed, if my body is capable of fighting it. They want to see if my white blood cells are high enough to fight this off. If not, they will have to admit me. Which I don't want. But it's bugging me that my temp has not yet dropped for any length of time. Yesterday afternoon it dropped below 37 for about an hour, but has been up between 37.5 and 38 ever since so I'm heading there now to get checked out.

On the plus side, my hair is growing and is actually starting to become visible. I use this blog so often to rant about the bad stuff I've quite forgotten to include some more positive news.

A week before the last chemo my scalp started to ache like it did when the hair was falling out. By the time the chemo treatment arrived, I noticed a faint shadow, rather like Desperate Dan's chin, but only at the very top of the crown. Basically just where it first started to go. Now, three weeks on from my scalp hurting, I have a very short and very faint fuzz on the crown and more shadow/pre-fuzz developing around the sides, at the front, and I assume at the back. It's a lot thinner than my old hair, of which there is still the odd strand on my head. It makes looking in the morning every day far more exciting than it has been for a long time...

And so far, it doesn't look remotely ginger, despite R's repeated attempts to make me think it is.


Steve said...

Get thee to a hospital... did you not watch "The L Word"... obviously not... don't make me fly over there now

Anne-Marie Weeden said...

I know I know. Ended up blowing out the hospital last night (it was 7pm and I was leaving work - I was hungry and wanted home more) plus my temp was dropping. Was a reasonably normal 36 by the time I went to bed.

But i woke this morning at 5am because i was so shivery and found I was peaking at 38.2. I had an 8.30 conf call to NZ so I went to the hospital really early and did bloods and urine. Turns out I have two suspected infections - urine and chest - and am being asked back for a chest x ray and hopefully some much stronger drugs. But WBC is ok. Not neutropenic - so that's good news and means no admission.

Trying to take it easy is difficult tho. If there wasn't so much on it would be easier. I suggested to my boss today that I a) need to go asap to get the x ray done and get back into bed and b) may be feeling similarly shit tomorrow where we have not one but two new biz meetings. He responded with a "I really need.... no let me rephrase that... I really want you here tomorrow".

I really want to be here tomorrow. But at what point do you tell people, who probably don't really understand quite what the risks of running yourself into the ground on chemo really are, to fuck off? At what point do they lose patience with you and regret ever taking you back in the first place? Who knows.

Yours grumpily but still alive

Steve said...

I did the 'can you turn up the speed of the drip to make it in for a 4pm meeting thing' and ended up regretting it. If you're not there no babies turn blue, nobody dies, nobody is maimed. If you are there then there's a chance that you do yourself real harm. That should be a no brainer. The fact that it isn't is proof that advertising people are total c*nts who know that appealing to your need to feel 'normal' rather than sick will get you to do not what's right for you but what's easy for them. I say finish the treatment then raise two fingers and burn the building down.

PS I've been drinking cider of all things - it makes me aggressive it seems, but you get the point. You first, them second - the attempt to pressure you into being there being evidence that they have no moral high ground here

Anne-Marie Weeden said...

I love it when you rant. You should drink cider more.

You turning into a miserable drunk now Jude's off to Ann Arbor?

(I initially typed that as AA and then realised what a different spin it put on the sentence...)