Saturday, August 04, 2007
Humiliation in front of the nation
Now the shock, pain and novelty of the whole falling down the stairs thing has worn off, I'm left with a feeling of impending humiliation.
I'm going to be on national TV. The ITV cameraman was filming me for a show called London Ambulance.
It airs prime-time, ITV1 on a Friday night.
Oh shit. When I consented to filming it felt like a side-issue. I was busy being in a lot of pain and the surreal request to be filmed felt like the last thing I cared about, so why not? I had also assumed it would probably be some filler TV for some little heard of digital channel way up in the hundreds. Not a mainstream, terrestrial TV station at 8 o'clock on a Friday night!
I will let it go out. Mainly because it's the only way I'm going to get to see it and I'm quite morbidly fascinated with how I will come across on camera.
I know I will hate watching myself. Not least because it's excruciating seeeing yourself on camera normally but when you're bald, make-up less, teary-eyed, screaming like a baby, but trying to make cocky cancer victim jokes to keep up appearances, it's going to be really hard. I'm going to be hiding behind the sofa.
Also, after all the screaming and pain and swearing and tears, I will have to suffer the humiliation of having the subtitles appear:
"Later that day, St Thomas's A&E confirmed that Anne-Marie's ankle was only badly sprained and not broken after all"
Do you think they'll add more titles on the next screen:
"And later that day, Anne-Marie realised what a big girl's blouse she was"
So it's partly the humiliation of looking like a wimp in front of people who know me. But it's also the fear of looking like someone I'm not, in terms of what the cancer had made me into, temporarily or otherwise. Physically - the hair, the extra weight - and mentally - the jokes, the plucky cancer banter. I am not that person. That person has been foisted upon me. Unfortunately though, that person has been captured on film.
It's on later this month. I find out exactly when a bit nearer the time.
Oh me, oh my...
at 3:25 pm