Saturday, August 04, 2007

Humiliation in front of the nation


Now the shock, pain and novelty of the whole falling down the stairs thing has worn off, I'm left with a feeling of impending humiliation.

I'm going to be on national TV. The ITV cameraman was filming me for a show called London Ambulance.

It airs prime-time, ITV1 on a Friday night.

Oh shit. When I consented to filming it felt like a side-issue. I was busy being in a lot of pain and the surreal request to be filmed felt like the last thing I cared about, so why not? I had also assumed it would probably be some filler TV for some little heard of digital channel way up in the hundreds. Not a mainstream, terrestrial TV station at 8 o'clock on a Friday night!

I will let it go out. Mainly because it's the only way I'm going to get to see it and I'm quite morbidly fascinated with how I will come across on camera.

I know I will hate watching myself. Not least because it's excruciating seeeing yourself on camera normally but when you're bald, make-up less, teary-eyed, screaming like a baby, but trying to make cocky cancer victim jokes to keep up appearances, it's going to be really hard. I'm going to be hiding behind the sofa.

Also, after all the screaming and pain and swearing and tears, I will have to suffer the humiliation of having the subtitles appear:
"Later that day, St Thomas's A&E confirmed that Anne-Marie's ankle was only badly sprained and not broken after all"

Do you think they'll add more titles on the next screen:
"And later that day, Anne-Marie realised what a big girl's blouse she was"

So it's partly the humiliation of looking like a wimp in front of people who know me. But it's also the fear of looking like someone I'm not, in terms of what the cancer had made me into, temporarily or otherwise. Physically - the hair, the extra weight - and mentally - the jokes, the plucky cancer banter. I am not that person. That person has been foisted upon me. Unfortunately though, that person has been captured on film.

It's on later this month. I find out exactly when a bit nearer the time.

Oh me, oh my...

8 comments:

dk said...

oh it'll be a laugh
i was on the ten o clock news... twice i think... and never saw myself either time, most disappointing. You're going to be the 'human interest' angle - yey for you!
I hope you remembered to use the word cunt when the camera was on you...

Dr Jude said...

A bad sprain is much worse than a broken ankle - unlike a bone break, you can't reset the tendons, so you just have to put up with the pain and immobility for months. It's just that a break makes for better TV, no doubt ...

Steve said...

You are going to tape it aren't you? Call me uynsympathetic but I really do want to see you in full Linda Blair Exorcist mode, spewing bile and bits of leftover quiche at all that come near whilst maintaining the stiff-upper-lip of which the British are so proud. Please. I'll pay Fed_Ex rates.

Marie said...

Oh, please put it on youtube!

Anne-Marie Weeden said...

Schadenfreude is an ugly pastime people!!!

Am back in the office now, leg cocked up on a chair (and sometimes the desk - get stiff in one position for too long). Everyone is asking me when I'm on the telly (of course, they were witness to the cameraman being there in the first place).

Where am I going to hide???

Anne-Marie Weeden said...

P.S. Dave - My arse was once on the 6 o'clock STV news bulletin. We'd been doing a piece on the veal export from prestwick airport, for a film & media unit, back in the day. We were at the press conference that day and being students and having no real job, turned up about an hour before any of the pros did. So we were in the front row of cameras. STV were in the second row - just behind my arse bent over the camera.

It was my bum's finest moment...

Steve said...

that's not what WE remember as your bum's finest moment...

Anne-Marie Weeden said...

I'm racking my brain but I genuinely can't think what you mean... ????

Honestly.

Did I moon people on too much cider and black or something?